The Miriam Webster Dictionary says a friend is “one attached to another by affection or esteem.” Wikipedia adds that friends exhibit “mutual trust and support.”The Oxford English Dictionary wanted over $50 for a definition, the price of a monthly subscription. They are not my friends. Thesaurus words associated with friendship were camaraderie, fellowship, companions, closeness, rapport, respect, understanding andmutual affection. To me, trust, respect and understanding seem the most important.
The arrival of 2010 and my advancing middle age have turned me to look at
my friends. I have paused to think about the meaning and character of my relationships
because a few have made me doubt the solid nature of a relationship I have always
assumed to be real friendship. Many times I have counted people as friends but they were not. Perhaps we had enjoyed one instance of great fun, or perhaps they were friends of a friend, perhaps we were thrown together because our children had so much fun playing. There are so many ways to acquire “friends.” Some people bond over a
sport, a club, a hobby, or even alcohol and drugs.
I have been assessing my friendships. I need to nurture the ones that are of the “mutual affection and understanding” kind, not the “fun, party, and drink” kind. As age grows, my desire to party diminishes. Social climbing has never been interesting, nor has ‘‘joining.” I don’t fit well into groups.
Aging is not easy, as anyone who is fifty and over will tell you. It can be a very rewarding (a hackneyed term) time, of course, but there is pain as well. What an aging person needs is different from what a twenty year old needs from friends. In youth we do seek support but we also still have trustworthy parents or relatives to rely on. As older adults we seek deeper fundamental characteristics in close friends. We have no way to stay sane without someone by our side to tell us whether our thoughts and behavior are accurate and realistic. Perhaps there are a few people who can guide themselves without help. Perhaps, but how lonely. Companionship is a huge component of friendship and one of the most important in old age.
So as this new decade and new year approaches I am examining my friends. There are not as many as I thought, to my surprise. Many people are really almost acquaintances and many obviously do not understand me or do not care enough forme. Usually this work both ways, luckily. Does our relationship comprise the qualities of affection, esteem, mutual trust and support? Each friendship is different, of course. As I look over the landscape, some will be those I trust and count on to keep me sane and happy. Some are clearly around for diversion. Most, thankfully, are steadfast, loving
and caring of me and it is mutual. These will last until the day I die.
